I didn't get adequate sleep last night because of a loud downstairs noise that seemed to be a tv or something. It's not happy to see it's 2:47 am, and fume in angry frustration because the noise won't cease. In fact it rises and falls in an extremely annoying fashion. So I'm doing horribly, physically, and I've been stagger-cleaning to the best of my feeble abilities since C, A, and M are coming over. During the night I was tempted to turn on something REALLY LOUD, except I just couldn't get motivated. Thought about my cousin Christopher, in his first apartment, in Montreal, having a sound war with his neighbor. The neighbor would put on something (I don't remember what but it was the 1970s I think) very loud, and Christopher would turn on EXTREMELY LOUD BACH ORGAN MUSIC in response. I don't think there's any way to counter that.
I was thinking about person/non-person things: In my tiny mind I feel like some people regard me as a person, whereas other people seem to apply non-person status to me at times, which is truly, truly, a nasty, nasty thing to do to me. I hate it. Consider the following conversation: Me: "This is very nice of you -- helping me out by doing some cleaning." Response: "No problem." Me: "Feel free to go anywhere, except this one little wee tiny roomlet that is my personal and private area, and which you should NOT ENTER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES." R: "OK." Ten minutes later... Me: "Why are you in there? I said DON'T GO INTO MY PRIVATE AREA." R: "I thought there might be a broom in there." Me: "There is no broom in there."
If I accept help does that mean I lose all rights and boundaries as a human being? I hadn't thought so, but if so I'll never accept help from anyone.
Consider this: Me: "Well, goodbye." Friend: "I'll walk you out." Me: "I don't want you to." Friend: "I know, but I'm going to anyway." Me: "No, goodbye." Other friend: "She said she didn't want you to." Friend: "But I don't mind." Other friend: "She does."
It's clear to me that both people are good people trying to do good in the world -- and if the situation was reversed I'm sure I would make plenty of mistakes, too. So -- is "good" reckoned by their terms, my terms, or both? Do people think I'm shy and won't ask for the help I'd like? I can assure them that isn't the case. I will accept offered help if I want it, refuse it if I don't, and ask for any help I need. Rightly or wrongly I don't feel super grateful or beholden or like I'm imposing on people. I think it's a two-way proposition: the giver gets a happy feeling of having helped, and a notch-up on karma, heaven, goodness, personal superiority, or what-have-you. Unless I REFUSE the help, in which case it seems to be necessary for the giver-in-waiting to strong-arm me into accepting unwanted assistance.
Hmmmm... interesting to contemplate...
posted by - 1:50 PM