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30 June 2003

It's cold and rainy here today, and better for neuros like me. Saturday it was 92° and I hid out with the blinds closed all day, until I decided to open the windows at around 5:30 -- too early.

I've always wondered about the black/white mentality, and wondered if it has been influenced at all by the way travel has developed. That is, if you use a road, or tracks, you have a definite left side and a right side -- as opposed to riding or walking, which is usually just going wherever looks easiest or nicest. I think if you ride/walk you have a more unified view of the world. I'm not very good at relating my thoughts. But anyway, I think many people nowadays don't realise they have this split vision of the world because they've always traveled by road, sidewalk, tracks -- anything that seeks to make order out of the human need to get somewhere. And roads are so huge, long, and straight they can divide the world from horizon to horizon.

28 June 2003

When I was at my garage on Thursday a white Legacy wagon was in one bay. Then a college student arrived for an oil change, so that car was backed out and her white Volvo wagon was driven in. I was idly sitting at the little ice cream table next to the spray bottles, and she was leaning on the counter. I said, "You have a better bumpersticker than the last car." She has one of those "Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket" stickers. She said her uncle in Arizona had sent it to her. Pause... "What was the last one?" "Bush." Silence. Then later she told me she thought Sha was cute, which is true. Maybe she hasn't made up her mind, but has family who are Repubs. Damn it, bumperstickers should be marked clearly, even if they are not political. I always thought it was a clear divide: one side = humor.......crush the masses = other side. The Repubs get "crush the masses," and "greed."

27 June 2003

I was sitting here doing nothing much as usual (I just bought the d-name atomic-raygun and was changing the settings) when I realised I had to go to the toilet. Damn pathetic -- because of the ms I can't exactly leap up, and I can't hold it for even 3 seconds, and all I wanted to do was GET OFF THE CARPET AT ALL COST -- I just can't stand how pathetic I've become. Anyway, I made it to the bog (close enough, anyway). Always exciting around me. Somewhere in my ramblings I found that Gender Guesser, and took the test. The thing guessed correctly (You are a Woman!) and put me in the dead centre of the chart. I was interested to see that some choices I made (that were Woman choices) I made for Woman-type reasons (I hate the word "moist."), others I got the right answer but they thought it was for a different reason than was true. For instance, the question about which was preferable -- being alone forever or bleeding to death. I chose bleeding to death because it seemed kind of groovy and colorful -- exciting. NOT because I'd rather die than be alone. I am alone -- that's a given. It even rocks, although it would be nice to have a Mystery Date handy. Update: Nooo I had that wrong -- apparently women would rather be lonely than bleed to death. Oh, dopey me.

I was just given 100 blogshares in aka cooties -- how kind and nice of Mr. Brown. I'd never heard of Blogshare, but went there as soon as I saw he was giving blogshares away. And signed up, went back to his blog and requested 100. This ought to keep me distracted for a while. Let's see -- I think it might provide a wall to bang my head against when I am stressed out by the Pater and his Alzheimer's, or my brother and cancer, or my ms, or one of my other many bazillions of problems that NOW, thankfully, don't include Wells Fargo hammering me into the ground over my dead mother's car loan. And may Daewoo, and all associated with Daewoo, and ALL car salemen, and all salesmen who target old women, and anyone, indeed, who takes advantage of anyone, AND Wells Fargo, and all lending institutions which give uninsured loans to elderly cancer victims, and George Bush for good measure, and lots of other mean types too numerous to mention -- perish from the face of the Earth.

I'm reading "Russka," right now because Tiff gave it to me to read. It's not especially good (maybe there are no editors and proof-readers now -- seems like it to me). BUT, I now know why my sister's friend Helen from the Ukraine has a brother named Bogdan. Actually, their little sister was my friend. They lived on a farm and spoke Ukrainian at home -- their mother didn't speak English at all. They took one of our puppies, once. The dog, named "Eyebrow," in Ukrainian, was well-loved. And is, I suppose, long-dead, now.

This new Blogger isn't publishing very well. Uh... oh, I'd better gimp off, it's late. Oh, I got new glasses and had my hair cut, today.


Strom Thurmond died. :)

26 June 2003

Psychedelic Republicans... if only...

Jeez, my blog has changed into a New Blog -- looks freaky to me.
Had to take E out to get -- chips for the office Beach Day Simulation -- went to El Nopal for dinner. Spied Marie and Hester as we were driving away. Friends of my mum from church, mum/daughter -- the family is from South Africa. Hester has the terrible osteoporosis that doesn't bear thinking about. Mum wanted Marie to have the mahogany settee, so I gave it to her. E and I mailed 3 grand to her payee, and deposited her paychecks. uhh...

Distracted by new-looking blog interface...

E's job coach called me yesterday morning to outline various problems... poor E, she is trying to cope with it all herself because she doesn't want to burden me.
Chuck told me the "10,000 dollar guy" has offered 13,500 for the trailer... I hope it goes through all right...
Anyway, I took my car in this morning to get the cooling system cleaned up. It's hot, today, and the new window they put in last week was covered up. I said, "Ant under a magnifying glass, eh?" Washington is not usually very hot, so I suppose it won't kill them. It's local strawberry season now -- a very short season for the wonderful, juicy, tart local strawberries. I never buy California strawberries because they blow big time.
Monsters are home from AZ, and my p/c arrived today. The parental units live across the mountains from the major fires, but the fires were visible at night. Damn, I should've told them to get strawberries.
Con has back-to-back weddings on her schedule, and various things including a trip to France.

24 June 2003

The fax arrived -- going through the tribulations of an old fax number, then a re-send to a new number -- and I got the woman in the office to read it to me -- then I called Wells F and paid them $6000. So I hope they are off my back. Was called this morning by my sister's job coach, then emailed by her payee and her caseworker. Social Security wants about $8000 paid back, and has decided my sister doesn't need SS -- the payee will appeal I said, Yes, I'm taking up the slack here, and I have MS. I can't keep on. She needs services. My father has Alzheimer's and I am trying to visit sometimes.
I can't go to the meeting tomorrow, I decided -- I feel too terrible. I think the stress has whammied me -- it's always the worst thing for me. Frank says I have no boundaries -- he's right. It didn't even occur to me that perhaps I didn't need to sacrifice myself for this meeting until 4pm. I'm a s-l-o-w learner. My father is doing well, and had a pancake this morning, walked a couple of steps. So no life/death issues for this meeting, anyway. If there were I'd sacrifice myself and go up, I'm sure -- rats.

23 June 2003

My friend Tiff, who's the former principal, is writing stories from my sister Elizabeth's perspective. It was my idea, as Tiff wanted us to work on another project together -- I suggested Eliz. as I never see books that DD people can read that also have content they're interested in. Eliz. is a Down's Syndrome adult, works full time for the state, rides the buses everywhere, lives alone. She loves the internet, and her apartment is decorated in Early Elvis. I'll be doing the graphics part when Tiff finishes writing.
This Wed. I have to be at my father's nursing home for a meeting with docs and Shelley about the treatment possibilities (I guess).
I just struck a deal with Wells Fargo -- they say they'll settle for 6,ooo (the car loan was $12,7oo), which is good. I hope for a fax saying they will settle (they say they'll send one) before I send the dough. I am )))>>paranoid<<((( and have only these words to say: NEVER BE AN EXECUTRIX. It's had a very large, negative impact on my health.

22 June 2003

I just handed over my camera and the kids took the photos. They did a fantastic job. So many students took pictures -- I don't know who took what. Photographers included: LaToya, Dakota, Christopher, Lachell, Marrissa.

20 June 2003


In the Olden Days, when I was a painter and wasn't sick, I used to get material to paint from by wandering around neighborhoods and commercial districts of various towns and cities, taking a bazillion photographs (I had a huge box of negs and a huge box of photos in my garage -- I'm not QUITE sure but I think I chucked them, which is ok -- movin' on, as usual). It's hard for me now even to push the freakin' button, however, I realised today (as I was driving around Olytown taking photos) that I'd started doing it again -- due mainly to my fotoblog, I reckon, and the sense of community that fotolog has created. Digital, not with film, and with the kind of immediacy I can get into -- I had a good time. Then I picked up E so we could get her Rx.
This morning I took my car in for my garage to look at/change oil. They did. I was amused to see my mileage was accidentally exactly what was on my "change oil" sticker. Only because I wanted the buzz checked out. They've put a window in their garage -- they said now they can see who's sneaking up on them. Rather indelicately, the bathroom door is now in the window, but I suppose that doesn't matter.
Shelley rang and said my pater is making more sense, is eating/chewing better, is getting stronger. I have to go for an Expert Team and Family meeting next week.
I need to go to the pow-wow and take pix tomorrow. I began today feeling quite spry, but then deteriorated to my present state of exhaustion.
The title company called me -- they thought the trailer deal was still on. And I have been calling Larry since Monday, trying to get an idea what I should do about the Wells Fargo deadline and the shortfall. They want 8,400 and my mother's estate has 6,700. Am I liable for the difference? One wouldn't suppose so. Why was Wells Fargo giving an uninsured loan to a late-70s woman with cancer?? I have decided that they are evil, too. Stupid, stupid Wells Fargo, you are killing me.

Dear Vivian,


You recently applied to be a Beta tester for There, a brand-new
online immersive community. According to your survey responses, you
have the right kind of PC to enjoy the There experience.

We are inviting new testers on a weekly basis, so that we can provide
the best possible experience in There. We want to manage community
growth slowly, so the world doesn't get too crowded too fast.

Please keep an eye out for your email invitation, which will arrive

Thanks a lot for your interest, and see you in There!

17 June 2003

Stressful day visiting my pater at the nursing home -- he did know me, however, but it's weird to be there when your father becomes a baby. Hot. My car place didn't have me down today -- when I turned up at 9:30 (and I didn't write it down -- might've been 9) they couldn't get me in. Oh well -- up to Tacoma with A Noise --got to the place at 10:45, left at 3:15. Went home with AC blasting, with A Noise as accompaniment. Made it back all right. Have definite car appt for Friday -- saw Adam write it down, so that's set.
Tiff was over yesterday so we could change a few small things in the curriculum, and I could burn new CDs. We're going to make a book about Elizabeth, and how she copes with her life as an independent woman. I emailed Tiff and she replied:

This is great. I can't wait to get going.
--- Vivian Kendall wrote:
E was excited when I called her. She said, "I had dinner. Guess what I made." I guessed a hamburger -- wrong. Fish sticks. Vegetables. And mashed potatoes from instant. I told her you want to write a book. A book about her. "Why?" "Because she thinks -- and I think -- you're amazing. And other people, especially Down's Syndrome people, would like to read about you." She said she wants you to come to her apartment, and Sunday is fine. I said wear some nice clothes because I'll take photographs, and she would want to look nice in a book. l,v

15 June 2003


Halisa's One Wing -- she and Andrew have just completed 6th grade.

I've been spending too much time on my fotolog -- aha, I see now -- a recurring theme seems to be "spending too much time on activities that keeps me from thinking about things." I must be trying TO AVOID SOMETHING. No, wrong -- I'm trying to avoid EVERYTHING. Con said she'd have E to dinner at their place for Father's Day. How nice. Dave was in a 100 mile bike race this w/e.

My pater wasn't discharged into the nursing facility until yesterday. I'm going up Tuesday. Believe me, I'd've been up there long before if I didn't have to deal with the ms. My mum's mail is rerouted to my box, and so the women's mags and TV Guides are piling up, all but unopened. I say "all but," because one had an interview with Priscilla Presley that made me laugh. She told Elvis the jumpsuits didn't look good anymore. And she sensed something was NOT QUITE RIGHT about MJ's desire to marry her daughter.
Elizabeth called me yesterday -- she had received a new phone book and was excited to see her listing. Cool!
I'm on this stopping-the-glacier type thing now, where I am doing nothing but I'm getting tireder and tireder. The offer, by some dude, on my mum's trailer has fallen through. I received a dunning letter about the car loan. I admit that the stress right now just MIGHT have something to do with the way I feel.
I spent some time redoing part of Susan's website -- why, I JUST DON'T KNOW. And I redid a totally unecessary part of mine. It looks great, but the amount of stuff makes it so huge I'm not quite sure I want to commit to it. I won't upload until I decide I really want it.

13 June 2003

I gave art awards to Carmela and Christy, and the school paid for gift certificates for art supplies. I gave Carmela a bracelet with amethysts, and Christy 2 little evil eye bracelets. She emailed me today, so I explained how they "work." She also sent me the most annoying card on the web (they claim), and another one that was a pie in the face. I sent her a Friday the 13th black cat card, and a German lobby-card from the movie Friday the 13th (for a laugh).


Tiff (former WHL principal) had the text of the Frank's Landing curriculum completed, so I spent Fri, Sat, Sun, Mon doing the graphics, and Tues, Wed finishing up and burning CDs. And school Tues, Wed, then Graduation on Thursday. I was wickedly wasted -- unexpectedly had to (when I arrived all rosy-cheeked knowing I had everything completed) address printing problems the techie was having, then sit by the printer and babysit a load of programs that should've been printed last week. I wound up sending them one-sided to the copy machine to get the outside printed in black as time ran out -- don't know what happened after that as I was told to go sit with the school board in the front row. I was introduced and made to stand up -- how nice. I've been there 13 years. And the 8th graders had 2 people they thanked and called up to put the button robe around their shoulders. Carmela called her father and me. We were given roses. The ceremony went on for hours. Tiff and I snuck away without eating (I never do eat -- too long a line) and went to eat elsewhere, and decompress slightly. I was seriously exhausted. Then we went to see Matrix:Reloaded, which had nice titles, but as far as the rest, it just made reading hilarious online amateur reviews fun.
My father fell several bazillion times, and then they x-rayed and found a broken, displaced hip. He was operated on Wednesday, discharged into a nursing facility today, and will remain there for 10-30 days -- according to the medicos. His wife thinks she and I are going to have to make the serious decision very soon. I don't quite get it: isn't this a little bit too much of the nasty side to accumulate at one time in one family? Don't most people spread their death, Alzheimer's, MS, Down's Syndrome, prostate cancer, esophageal cancer, broken hips, HepC, debt, trailer parks, and Daewoos over decades? -- we have it all in the present moment (which is eternal, I reckon)(seems like that, anyway).

08 June 2003

I took EZ-E shopping and she was telling me that she'd told the softball coach, Jim, that her mother "passed away" and that she has two sister looking out for her. I feigned surprise, "I have two sisters looking out for ME! And Deborah HAS TWO SISTERS LOOKING OUT FOR HER. What a coincidence!" Yeah, yeah -- stupid. But E laughed at me, so that's good. When we dropped the groceries, E all of a sudden put on steam when she was coming back to the car. Turned out Brian was coming up the walk, and she was avoiding him. She said he's in Big Trouble for bothering Glenda. G's going after a restraining order. Since G is the best friend of E, and Brian lives directly above E, that puts E in a difficult position. I asked if Brian had kissed her on the spagfest night -- E was annoyed I'd think that when they are "just friends." Although maybe not very good friends now. Who knows. I don't know if E is enjoying the gossipy, relationship complications angle, as some adolescents do (they feel grown up, I reckon). I just bought the new record from the Long Winters -- off the web, natch. I felt in the mood, I guess. Temps much lower today -- the heat in the past week has made me quite ill (neuro crap gets worse in heat).



Here's the Crush Tree again. I have a crush on this tree.

"4 Get Monkeypox Virus From Prairie Dogs"

I live in a world where people get monkeypox virus from prairie dogs. NOTHING in books or movies could come close to being this weird. I hear about things all the time that I never knew were out there -- things that can get you. I never knew I was in danger from monkeypox. Now I know better. I'd still prefer monkeypox to flesh-eating bacteria, though. Of course, you don't get a choice.

02 June 2003



or whatever you want...

01 June 2003

E got back from Special Olympics early today. Coach Pam called at about quarter to 2 and said they'd be at the Big Tree at 2:15. They had arrived before me (I live half an hour away), then I took Glenda home to CC Apartments (she and E share the same philosophy of Packing-For-A-Weekend. They both took about 250 lbs of stuff). I couldn't fit them both in at one time, so took G, then returned for E. They took fourth place, which Coach Craig (I didn't make these names up -- that what they are called and HOW THEY REFER TO THEMSELVES) seemed to think a bit disappointing. Glenda was kicked in the knee and missed part of the last game (they lost). Still, they had great fun, and E was covered in tattoos and beaded ornaments, etc., and had a spagetti dinner invitation from Brian (upstairs), to which everyone just said, "BE CAREFUL!. Whatever that means. I have said to girls that they shouldn't do anything they don't want to do. That applies, but I reckon I should get a doctor involved to figure out some method of b.c. before a crisis arrives.



Unaccountably I have received an email from a nice person (a stranger!)
who has looked at my blogs! Exciting!

"Cool blog! I followed the most recently updated link from because
the name sounded interesting, and it didn't disappoint. :) (Actually, I found
atomic-raygun first and then followed the link to firemist red.) You have some
*awesome* photos."

I replied:
Thank you, shinybluegrasshopper, for visiting my blogs! I've got off the track with Atomic
Raygun -- it was supposed to be a way to gather information about the things
we need for our world to be better. It's turned into a whine-fest, though,
and I should CUT IT OUT (I probably won't, though). I checked out your
blog, and I can see that you are doing lots to make society more bearable.
Thank you. Yarrow looks like a clever dog -- and so beautiful. Also --
YES, I am the major reader, and I had heard somewhere a little bit about
bookcrossing (thought it was cool, did nothing...). I just signed up
because of you, however, and am thinking about how I'm going to do this. My
friend Annie B. had a friend who did reverse shoplifting. That is, she went
into a nice store and surreptitiously took an unwanted knick-knack out of
her coat, left it as part of a display, then split. I've always loved that
idea (I thought it would be cool to video someone releasing a crocheted
toilet roll doll into the wilds of, say, Nordstrom). Maybe I can use the
"stealth" part of that idea to have a little fun. AND -- "firemist red" is
a car color, but I have this fab picture in my head of what it SHOULD look
like (a metallic color that looks different from each angle, but is mainly a
golden-y, reddish, silver-y... uh, I can see it but I can't describe it).

I asked Margie, and she said the cleaning women had done a good job. That's nice -- I doubt I'll go back there. I had bought toilet paper a couple of weeks ago, for the trailer (as there was only a partial roll). Haven't got it there yet -- it was in my car when I met the MMaids, but I just felt too lousy that day to struggle beyond my necessary struggle. Maybe I should pay teens to TP the car dealership whose shark-like salemen preyed on my mother. I'd've supported a war against them, rather than against Iraq. "Death of a Salesman" will become my favorite play. "Death to Car Salemen," my slogan.



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I want to ask for thoughts about improving the world -- what do people need? How can things be organised?