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08 January 2005

I've always got some big cogitation going -- in some ways the things that happen that are considered the main events by most people are just clues to think about, to me. I've been thinking about this:
I usually try to approach life with a kind of zen-like trust. It's not easy to just live in the moment without worrying if one is very ill, but I think I manage to transcend my physical state most of the time, and keep on learning and growing and enjoying whatever I get involved in. I get involved in very different things as a screwed-up person than I would if I'd remained all right. I can exist in part because people run interference for me without ever saying anything. I just accept it and move along.

I got involved in SimCast because YadNi recommended me, then I immediately quit. The man who started the whole thing, Prong, was incredibly nice to me as I was quitting.
YadNi hunted me down and started out saying, "Hello, Osprey Dear," then got angry and alternated between telling me I was wonderful and berating me for being afraid. I decided he had a point, and I wondered why I should be afraid.
I reluctantly resumed working for the SimCast, and I got a huge black weight on my brain again and I spent about 3 hours trying to line up one lousy seam because I couldn't concentrate or even think. Everyone was not only incredibly nice to me, but they went out of their way to assure me that I could have complete artistic control and they weren't asking for anything more than that I try my best. It's obvious to me that this black weight is not something they are creating; it's coming from me. My health has immediately taken a speed-of-sound nosedive and I woke up this morning with a terrible headache and swollen glands -- among other things. My conclusion is that this must be an opportunity to figure out what's going on. I might have swept all my anxieties into a neat pile and hidden them, but they are still here. Something has triggered them. It might kill me, but I think it's a great opportunity to figure out a piece of the puzzle.

I got a strange IM from someone last night who said I had sent her X-rated pictures. I said I hadn't, and immediately copied the chat into a notecard and sent it to Nova Linden, who, I hope, can figure this out.

Tay IMed me and showed me pictures of his rl paintball gear he'd just bought for $500. He said he likes two sports: paintball and lacrosse. I was flabbergasted and told him he was weird and I was proud to call him friend. Paintball would be fun -- more fun on horseback, but I always hated lacrosse.

Moose, who is the nicest person in the world, IMed me, and Enj IMed me and said she thought I'm in a different place than she is -- may be true. If this is a job and it matters, and I'm dealing with real people who have a stake in what happens - it is more alternate, than virtual, reality.

posted by - 11:21 AM


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