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26 November 2008

 
A friend of mine who shall remain nameless, but who is employed by a museum (doesn't narrow it down as much as you think as I have more than one friend who works for a museum) informed me I am on her shit list. "And you're not getting off." "What happened?" I asked. "It was like this," I was told...

"Last time I saw you, you were eating raw cranberries.* OK?"

"Yes, OK."

"Let me say that my husband likes paintings by X - and there was an opening at another museum of a show of paintings by X. As a professional courtesy the museum invited people from my museum to attend the opening - so my husband and I went. It was a chinzy affair - no bar, no food, just little elaborate little pastries and bottled water.** I didn't want to eat the pastries because - eh, I would rather eat something better for me. I saw a tray of beautiful cranberries laid out - gorgeous color - and I thought, 'Well, Vivian eats them - maybe I'll try one.'"

/me starts to fidget. "Do you know all the people at that museum? Are they ok?"

"No, they all have sticks up their butts."

"Yeah, as I'd expect from there."

"Anyway - so I ate one. Immediately one of their people said 'Oh my god did you just eat that? That's how we present the pastries - it's not supposed to be eaten. I'm going to tell Y and Z.' TOTAL PUBLIC HUMILIATION."

"You should've said, "Don't you get tired of being conventional?"

"I should've said, 'In [another country] cranberries are used as a palate cleanser."

"You should've picked a flower out of a bouquet and eaten it, too. Was it good, at least?"

"NO! And it had some kind of funky coarse salt stuck to it."

/me rubs it in the wound, "Probably driveway salt."

"Eeeek."

--Silence while I imagine what I'd've done--***

"Now you need to eat raw cranberries at every opening until you get famous as the cranberry woman."

"Fuck that."

"Just be advised - never exhibit at an ordinary social function any behavior you have learned from me." <---words to live by

* I like bitter/sour/weird tastes.
** That is a horrifyingly bad opening ===:O
*** Probably laughed.

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posted by - 8:12 PM

Comments:
Cranberries are quite clearly the debil's poop, but the kind of folk who take such a twunty attitude to someone eating one from an edible display that will be thrown away are somewhat lower.

Feed them the bitter little fuckers until they cry red stinging tears and shit like a buggered rabbit, I say.
 
Ye gods I hate the art worldespecially openings ... and all other events where one must attend to be seen and must behave in a prescribed (but not posted, so you have to be part of the "crowd" to know the rules) manner or be publicly humiliated.
 
I take after my pater who seemed immune to both convention and humiliation. He would dance down the sidewalk singing; my brother would sink into his collar trying to distance himself.

Once someone grabbed my wrist and forced my hand right down into the middle an untouched cake (at an art event of course). I'm STILL not sure why; I decided not to resist, and made some kind of snappy remark, and it didn't embarrass me at all, however I think it could've.

I suppose it was some kind of power display, however it was wasted on me.
 

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