Top Ten List of Irritating Things Robots Do

1. When I am in an argument with one it goes into play-back mode and displays a hologram of me saying exactly what I denied saying.
2. They can Google faster than I can because their internet/conection is internal.
3. They can open jam jars more easily, but the really irritating thing is the socket built into every lid that enables them to use their made-to-match wrench system anatomy. I consider that cheating :(
4. I hate it when I call someone and they've got their robot set to answer and mimic their voice.
5. When a robot gets to a certain age it automatically builds its replacement (and that takes at most two days) by fabricating parts in its internal repair fabricator. It never seems to mind, because the last thing it does is connect a lead and send its memory over to the new model, so it is really just preparing its new self. I can't do that :/
6. The actual space needed for the works is so incredibly small that any robot can take any form by inserting itself into a different chassis. When told to by the owner, of course. Can't do that, either :/
7. My bot can hold his hand to the window and tiny window-cleaning bots stream out and onto the glass. Well, that doesn't really annoy me; the thing that annoys me is that it makes a mockery of human work.
8. If I repeat myself he says, "You've told me that 34 times," then goes on to list, "Sunday, 13 April, 2008 at 1:12 PM; Wednesday, 2 July, 2008 at 3:45 PM" etc., etc... /me pukes And I think it's a simple setting to stop that but damned if I can find it.
9. Because of the buckyball paint ( or whatever) he is tied in to everything that happens in the house whether he's in it or not; even if I turn him off he'd just catch up when he came back online. The only way I can be alone is to go out into the middle of the Gobi Desert, or something. /me goes to the Gobi Desert then turns around and recoils, startled. Robot: I thought you'd like a little light refreshment so I took the liberty of preparing this salad made of organic baby greens. Me: Uh... thank you. How did you know I was here? Robot:
10. Because they can send their memory through any internet connection (and everything is connected all the time) they can teleport by having a carapace (of any size) waiting at the other end (and companies do a brisk business in rental carapaces). I have to traverse meatspace with nary a digital enhancement. :( Sux big time.
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Top Ten List of Things I Do To Irritate My Robot, None of Which Actually Do

1. I change his name all the time depending upon my mood. Me: Snaskers, I've decided to call you Fifi Squanzelbeck now. Robot: OK. ...later... Me: Uh, I can't remember what that humiliating name I gave you was. Robot: Fifi Squanzelbeck. Me: OK, well now I want to call you R2Detour. Robot: OK.
2. Sometimes I tape a sign on his back that says something funny like "$5.99 marked down from $10.00." Me: Ha ha! Robot: I'm glad this kind of juvenile prank is fun for you. Me: Well, it's the only way I can feel better about the differences between us. Anyway, how come you can read it when you aren't even looking at it? Robot: Buckyball/nanotube marker.
3. I airily say, "Oh, you wouldn't understand the concept," whenever things like empathy crop up in conversation, but secretly I thrill that this time I've come out ahead. Me: (airily) Oh, you wouldn't understand the importance of emotion in that particular movie scene as the concept is beyond you. Robot: Yeah, but it's included in the next update, I hear. Me: (gnashes teeth) Great!
4. When something is particularly delicious I say, "Mmmmm," and savour it in front of him.
5. Sometimes I say, "That coffee smells wonderful" just to be mean.
6. Sometimes I tease him by saying, "Wait - are you embarrassed by that remark?" just to make him admit that he can't feel that. Me: "Wait - are you embarrassed by that remark?" Robot: No - you know I don't feel things like embarrassment. Me: Oh, yeah. Robot: I'm sure there must be some great plus to getting embarrassed - silly me that I don't see it. (rolls eyes) Me: It's part of a whole emotion system - you can't just look at one part, dopey. Robot: Yeah, yeah - so you say. Me: I've decided to call you Hroswitha of Gandersheim now. Robot: OK.
7. I refuse his offers of help when he has annoyed me. Robot: I can easily get that off the top of the cupboard - shall I do that for you? Me: No, I'd rather do it myself. Robot: I'll just stand next to you, then if you fall I can catch you. Me: Go AWAY - I don't need your help. Robot: OK. (waits just outside the doorway. Me: jF piss off will you? Robot: I'll leave, but if you need me I'll be back immediately. ... Me: Good riddance. Robot: (glides into the room immediately) Do you need me? Me: NO! Robot: :(
8. He isn't always perfect, but he thinks he is, so I have to take him down a peg or two at times. Me: The car looks nice, but WTF you washed the TAILPIPE? Robot: You said wash the car; the tailpipe is part of the car. Me: I expect you to use a bit of comon sense, you know - you ruined my sponges. Robot: I thought I was doing the right thing. Me: Wait... how far did you go with this? Robot: (knits his brow and looks worried) Me: So... you know the engine has oil inside it for a reason, right? Robot: Yes, of course, I'm not stupid. Me: Did you wash the inside of the tailpipe? Robot: Yes. Me: How far up?
9. Sometimes I make him go into mimic-mode and pretend to be me on the phone, especially when talking to someone else's robot pretending to be them. Me: Ha ha - that was so lame! You think I say things like that? Robot: Ha ha! I bet I sounded totally ridiculous! Me: Cut that out right now :(
10. Once I lay on the floor and pretended I'd had a heart attack, but he just said, "Oh, by the way, I keep track of all your stats and I can see you are fine." Me: That's totally inadequate. Are you so one-sided that you can address physical needs and have absolutely no clue about emotional needs? Robot: Well, I'm doing the best I can. You aren't always easy to be around. Me: Oh REALLY?? Robot: jF

Labels: Introduction to Time Travel, Robots