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02 September 2008

Tomorrow marks five years since my pater died, and five years and 6 months since my mother died. I don't usually think about it too much, but for some reason it's been on my mind. Five years! I've been missing them this past week. I hope that isn't some kind of warning for another go-round.

My experience was that when someone dies there is a full year of grieving, but if someone else dies during that time the clock is reset for the first one. There was a time when it was just one after another, which was awful. Family, friends, 80s, 70s, 50s, 40s... blecch.

My method of grieving was to watch Losey's Don Giovanni over and over and over and over for six months. I'm not at all tired of it, but I've seen it about 300 times. I had an answering machine full of really awful messages I hadn't deleted, like my mum calling for help, and a nurse calling to say, "There's been a change in your mother's condition,"* and a nurse saying, "We are trying to get in contact with (my father's wife). There has been a change in her husband's condition,"* and many more of the winding up in the emergency room variety. One day I decided to play them with the idea of keeping a couple (my mother's voice). It was like someone grabbed my hand and hit DELETE DELETE DELETE DELETE on every message. That's the only experience I've ever had of that kind of thing. Uh.... whatever "that" kind of thing is. The DELETE action is exactly what my mother would want me to do, but I wouldn't've done it.

I don't have the knack of believing anything, perhaps as I wasn't brought up to, so I have no clue, but it might be either (or both) that the energy falls back into a vast energy pool like raindrops falling into the sea (I'm a great knitter-upperer of everything and like everything to be connected, which I see as a longing for that state of one-ness) or that life is snuffed out (as SJ said the other day) like a candle (adding, "And that would be all right, too.").

I like talking with people about what they think happens after death, and although I don't see how anyone could have any more information than anyone else, it's fun (to me) to get different views. Sometimes I talk with my jin shin man about it, and he has a different take on life and death than I do. My view is A) we take life too seriously, B) it might be better as a wild roller coaster ride, C) individual personalities don't persist beyond a lifetime. He thinks life can and should be a calm trip as opposed to a roller coaster ride, and that we carry on past death.

I was surprised recently to discover that my rl knitted-up group of intimates had unraveled, but I suppose I shouldn't've been, since I'm not actively whipping people up into a frenzy anymore in meatspace. Everyone is the same to me, they just don't interact with each other. My knitting and whipping is confined to The Show Must Go On! at the moment.

*Code, apparently, for ZOMG get here fast.


posted by - 1:14 PM

I think we go on to be a part of something bigger. Like raindrops on the ocean.
Well that's why I said drops falling into the sea. I don't think we "go on" though, to be part of something bigger - in my scenario we are only separate parts now - before and after now there's no separation, no parts - everything is one.
Hi mate - big interweb hub for you - remembering lost ones is always hard :(

As for life and death, I go for calm life and no afterlife. Both are, of course, personal preferences. I'm willing to admit I could be wrong about the later but the lack of anyway of knowing makes any thoughts of an afterlife nothing more than a nice daydream to me.

Still, it's a horrible to think that everything we are, we all are, will evaporate when we die.
"Still, it's a horrible to think that everything we are, we all are, will evaporate when we die."

I used to think that, but since it seems like the likeliest thing I've been thinking about it and trying to understand WHY I find it mildly distressing. I mean, what would it matter?

There's no way at all to know anything, and although I think from an individual standpoint it might be comforting to some people to believe they are going to heaven, the social and political consequences of that belief used on a broader scale is highly destructive and has been the cause of much, perhaps most, of the hell on earth.

I don't buy into the weighing of souls bit. When I was a child someone told me about that and I said that if there was a god he wouldn't be WORSE than me, and I'd NEVER do that.

There's not much difference between thinking energy is released to join a pool of golden energy with no individualisation, or that being is snuffed out like a candle flame, really.

Contrary to what it seems like this isn't a lugubrious exercise in thought - I'm happy as a clam thinking about it.
It's horrible beacuse of your question: "what would it matter?". Essentially, all the world's wonderful things would be gone for ever and all the world's shittiest things would have meant nothing.

That is, in my thinking, not the best way to run the operation.

If there is a god / maker, I want a quiet meeting after I die - just me, him/she/it and my cricket bat. he/she/it better have a damn good excuse or I'll take his teeth out of the back of his/her/its head.
p.s. Strangely, despite being angry because of work at the mo. I'm also a happy wee soul. I think I have compatmentalised all my impotent rage into another dimension. Maybe there is powers their sun or something.
This comment has been removed by the author.
But asking the question doesn't make them be gone. Either they are or not - and presuming things don't change (although why I should assume that I'm not sure - since observation changes things perhaps the ever-growing population of the earth changes things by its very existence) things've been that way forever. I don't like to think things go poof, but then I'm a human and we like to think we are important.

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